The Witcher's Guide to Abnormal Contracts
by Grizlucks
Summary: Every Witcher runs across at least a couple odd contracts during their long life span. Here are but a few!


The Witcher's Guide to Abnormal Contracts

 **A/N: Enjoy the story! I apologise for any lore inconsistencies. I**

 **I am but a Witcher 3 bandwagoner...**

Contract #1

The beast lunged at Lambert, with a hateful look in it's eye. Lambert rolled out of the way, barely avoiding the introduction of some fresh scars.

"Lambert, watch out!" Keira shouted, as a stalagmite fell from the ceiling of the cave.

Lambert looked up, just in time to see it get obliterated by a magic spell, that appeared to be a stronger and more precise variation of Aard. He nodded towards the ledge Keira stood on, and she nodded back. The beast, that Lambert had so narrowly avoided just 30 seconds ago, shook off the dust and let out a roar. Lambert, turned and faced the beast, re-applying some Relict oil on his silver blade. His eyes narrowed as he began to recall the events leading up to this battle.

 _Prior events_

"Oi! You a Witcher? You must be one seein' as how you got them cat eyes."

Lambert looked in the direction of the voice. It came from the mouth of a peasant, who, surprisingly, looked bathed. His beard was long and appeared to mimic the,golden fields of wheat near Novigrad. His eyes were a sky blue, and he was carrying a large sack. Lambert's medallion vibrated, but he chose to ignore it. Lately Keira had been around him, carrying the ingredients for glamour, and his medallion had been going crazy.

"I am. And who's askin'?"

"Me sir!"

"Yeah, no shit. You offerin' me a contract?"

"Oh- yeah! Yeah I am!"

"Alright, well I'm guessin' your new to this whole jing-bang, so here's how it typically goes. You tell me you got a problem, and tell me you need it solved. Then you give me a price for my services, and I haggle with you for a while over it. After that you're gonna tell me the details of said problem. You know: Where it happened, what happened, when, so on and so forth. Then you give me anywhere from a week to a month, and I come back with the head of your problem. Understand?"

The man had a puzzled expression on his face. He slowly nodded his head.

"I'm not sure I follow, but I'll do my best."

Lambert groaned, but made a motion with his hand, telling the man to get on with it.

"Well, you see, sir, I'm a butcher. I raise my own cows, and care for them as if they were my own, until it's that time of month."

Lambert chuckled, while the man raised an eyebrow, apparently unperturbed by his own innuendo. Lambert nodded his head, and wiped the smirk off his face.

"Sir, if I may ask, why d'you laugh just then?"

"No reason, no reason. Carry on."

"O-ok whatever you say, sir. Anyways, one day I was just wakin' up and I looked out my window, into my field to see a gigantic bull! Not, only were it bigger than Patty, it also had a third eye. I had no clue what it were. But around it, all I could see were blood. It were terrible, sir! Jessie, Daphne, Christie and Rog! Gone!"

"Alright, I could solve your problem, but what are you willin' to give me?"

"Three hundred crowns."

Lambert shook his head.

"Pay me four hundred, and I'll consider."

"Three fifty."

"Three seventy-five."

"Three sixty-eight"

Lambert stopped negotiating. 368 was an awfully precise number. It was probably all the man had at the moment.

"Alright fine. I'll do it. Where did the attack happen?"

"At my homestead, to the west of the river, and next to the large tree."

"Alright, I'll head there and check out the scene. Stay here and wait a while. I'll be back."

Lambert whistled, and his horse trotted towards him, from it's resting place at the inn nearby. He hopped on and rode off towards the man's house. Once he arrived, he went to the man's backyard, and began to investigate.

"Hmm, seems to be a lot of blood. I guess the man was right."

A voice laughed, melodiously.

"No kidding, Lambert. And here I was thinking it was raspberry juice."

"Keira, what're you doin' here?"

The blonde vixen laughed, and walked towards him, putting her hands on her hips in a joking manner.

"Did you forget we were supposed to be getting supplies? I eavesdropped on your conversation with the peasant and followed you here."

Keira's horse whinnied in the background. Lambert chose to ignore the former, and focus on the latter.

"How did I not hear you?"

"Are you mad, dear?"

"No, just disappointed that I forgot Uncle Vesemir's teachings."

"Or maybe you're a phenomenal teacher."

With that Keira stepped closer and they united in a passionate kiss. Lambert broke it off.

"Want to finish this contract with me?"

"I really don't want to sully my hands, Lambert."

"Well, you're here for a reason."

"Maybe I'm curious."

"So tag along with me. You know I don't bite...in public at least."

"We're not in public, it's only us here."

Lambert shrugged and went back to investigating the scene of the attack.

"Fine, but only because you begged."

Lambert smirked. Sorceresses were so predictable.

"By the way, were you talking to yourself earlier?"

"Maybe"

"Did you pick that up from our dear old Wolf?"

"Again, maybe"

"Let's just hope you didn't also get as grumpy."

"As grumpy as that old man?"

"Lambert, you're just as old."

"You don't see me with white hair."

"You do have a permanent scowl though."

Lambert scowled and then changed his facial expression after realising it. Keira snickered.

"Well, whatever. I'm gonna keep investigatin'. Watch and learn."

"Alright. I'll just watch."

Lambert had a feeling those words were going to come back to bite him in the butt. But he carried on. He sniffed the air.

"Blood. An obvious scent. I oughta follow it."

Lambert got on his horse and followed the scent to a nearby cavern, and Keira rode behind him. He dismounted, and walked over to a nearby dung dropping.

"A fiend. I should've known. Probably got hungry; it is just the beginnin' of spring after all."

Lambert looked toward Keira.

"Hey Keira!"

"What?"

"Wanna sniff some fiend droppin'?"

"Disgusting! Not a chance, Lambert."

Lambert laughed from where he was kneeling, and then sauntered over to the sorceress.

"Wanna hear my hypothesis?"

"Why not?"

"It's a fiend. So, I need to get some Samum ready, drink a Full Moon and have some White Raffard and Tawny Owl ready. I need to be able to cast Axii constantly durin' the battle. Or…"

"What?"

"Well, you're here now, so maybe you could handle the stunning?"

"I don't know Lambert. You did tell me to watch only."

"Please Keira? I promise you'll be rewarded."

"How?"

"You'll find out."

"You're lucky I'm in a good mood; I know just the spell. It'll keep the fiend's eye neutralized for the duration of the fight."

"I'll prep some Samum, White Raffard and Tawny Owl anyways, just in case, along with some fiend lure."

"Have all the ingredients?"

"Definitely"

"So what happens once you're done? Do we just wait?"

"Well, I have been teachin' you to play Gwent and Dice Poker."

"Want to play?"

"Sure, why not. We got some time to kill."

"Ok, why not?"

Lambert knelt on the floor, Keira chose to sit on a nearby rock, and the game, and by default, wait, began.

 _Present_

"Shit. Keira lost concentration. That fiend's eye is up and runnin' now. Need to neutralize it."

Lambert pulled out a Samum and waited as the fiend charged at him. At the last moment he threw it at the fiend's eyes, and rolled out of the way.

The fiend reared it's head back, and roared. Lambert rolled under it and stuck his sword right through the fiend's belly. It whimpered before collapsing on him. Lambert jumped out of the way, pulling his sword out in the process. To make sure it was dead, he hacked through it's neck with his sword. Pulling back he sighed, and looked toward Keira.

"It's over."

"Good."

"Let me get the head strung up, and we'll-"

He was cut off by another roar.

A chort entered the cavern.

"Oh shit."

Keira, who was still on her ledge, paled.

"Another one?"

"This one's a chort. A cow defender. The fiend slaughtered the cows, and I'm covered in it's blood."

The chort walked forward, slowly. Lambert drank a White Raffard, before reaching into his pouch and pulling out a Golden Oriole.

"Keira, can you make a barrier for yourself, that will stop poison from entering?:

"Yes."

Lambert chugged the potion, and quickly reached into the pouch again, pulling out a bomb.

"Begin preparin' it now please. You have 10-20 seconds."

Keira began chanting rapidly. 12 seconds later, the chort charged at Lambert

"Do it now!"

Keira activated her barrier and Lambert threw the bomb at the chort. The bomb exploded directly in it's face, stunning it. A poisonous gas was released, and the chort began trying to hold it's head away from it. It was futile. Lambert rushed the chort slashing it twice before it tried to bite his head off. He dodged and began to dance around it, inflicting cuts and bleeding it dry, allowing poison to take the place of blood. Eventually the chort dropped it's head out of sheer exhaustion, and he jumped on it, and stabbed his sword directly through it's skull. It wailed in agony as it died. Once again Lambert slashed through it's neck, severing it's head from it's body. Lambert fell to his knees panting loudly. Keira waited for the gas to fully dissipate, before making her way to him. She stood at a distance watching Lambert pant, until he got up, very slowly.

"Keira, I'll string up the heads, and we'll move on."

"Ok Lambert. You sure we're ready to go?"

Lambert glanced around, and a glint caught his eyes.

"Wait a minute. I think I see somethin'."

Lambert walked over and discovered a sword. It was beautiful: It had a floral-themed pommel, a leather wrapped hilt, a hilt that curved upwards very elaborately, and curved inwards at the ends. It also appeared to have Greater Zoria runes along the length of said hilt. The blade itself was thin and elegant, and had a nice sheen, similar to most silver swords. It was a delicate blade, and Lambert knew it was meant for, quote unquote, "Killing monsters." It appeared to be mastercrafted, as it had the markings of a famous blacksmith from Kovir. Lambert picked it up and looked around for a similar looking sheathe. He found one on the corpse of a dead man, who bore a resemblance to the man he had spoken to in the village.

Lambert picked up the sheathe, and sheathed the sword, before turning around. But then he stopped. He looked back towards the dead man, and curiosity overwhelmed him. Just who was he? He began to rifle through the dead body. Suddenly he found something that blew his mind. A letter. Although it wasn't the words on it, it was the bloodstain. Cow's blood. Lambert thought back to the man in the village. He hadn't smelt of cow's blood whatsoever. Although just that morning, he had been in his own house, surrounded by dead cows. What was going on?

Lambert attempted to put it all together, but he simply couldn't. He needed to track down the man in the village first. Before he left the cavern, Lambert pulled out his torch. In the dim lighting, he hadn't noticed it, but this man was the exact same as the one from the village.

"Twins? No. A doppler."

"Lambert what's wrong?"

"Head back to the inn, Keira. Lessons over for today."

"Why?"

"Would 'please' be good enough?"

Keira saw Lambert's troubled face. She simply walked away, but not before leaving a parting message.

"Lambert, I want that present, tonight 'please'."

"Got it."

Lambert went back to his thoughts.

"I'm gonna have to form my own theory. That doppler's probably gonna lie to me. I should examine the body."

Lambert examined the man's head, and noticed a bump on it's back. He then lowered the torch, and realized a giant incision had been made, probably by the fiend.

"So the doppler stole this man's identity, presumably sometime soon. After that by pure coincidence, the fiend found him? No. Why would the man be in this cave then? And fiend's don't settle for scraps. So the doppler probably knocked the man out, and snuck into this cave to drop off his body. The fiend noticed him and killed him, before smelling the cow's blood. It then traced the blood scent back over to the farm, and slaughtered the cows. The doppler probably saw the fiend approaching and ran off, to the village. I can find out the answer to any other questions in the village, and confirm this theory there."

Lambert exited the cavern, noting the absence of Keira's horse. He hopped on his steed, and galloped at full pace back to the village. He looked around for the doppler, before finding him talking to some other men.

"Cedric, you seem to have grown awful forgetful today. What's going on?"

"Nothing, err- what was your name again? Edison?"

"Come on, don't be like that. You don't remember me? I've been your best friend since the early days? We were best friends as babes!"

"Sorry, just my head's been spinning lately."

"I'm sure. Well, if you remember be sure to tell me."

Lambert approached the man.

"I've finished your contract."

"Well done master. May I see the heads?"

Lambert motioned to his horse's side.

"Gaze to your pleasure"

"Thank you sir. Here's your money. Well-deserved."

"I think we should discuss the finer details of your contract elsewhere."

The doppler saw the look on Lambert's face and gulped.

"Aye, sir."

 **Section rated M coming up!**

"So you piece of shit. When were you gonna tell me you were a doppler?"

"Me, sir? I, I, I-"

"Cut the crap. The jigs up."

The doppler put his head down.

"Fine. You caught me. What're you going to do now."

"Nothing yet. I want to hear you explain yourself first."

"Really! Thank you sir, thank you, thank-"

"Get on with it, before I lose my patience."

The doppler nodded frantically, and began to talk.

"It began two years ago, when I was fleeing Redanian persecution. I stopped at the inn in this village to water and feed myself. I had begun eating, when a man approached me. His name was Cedric. He said that he had never seen a finer lady in his life. He asked me if we could go on a picnic together. I thought about refusing him at first, but he looked so earnest and eager to please. I thought about it some, and then decided to agree. It would be the perfect cover. Who would ever accuse a married woman of being a doppler? So I agreed and eventually, we got married. He fed me and clothed me, and our life was perfect!"

Lambert interrupted.

"You killed your caretaker? What the hell?! You dishonor the name of sentient monsters!"

"Wait, sir just wait! At first it was perfect. Soon it became a living hell. He expected me to bear him children. I couldn't; I'm a doppler, I can't bear children. He began to abuse me. He yelled, screamed and hit me. I couldn't take it anymore, so I told the truth."

"You told him you were a doppler?"

"Aye. He didn't know what it was so I sat down and explained it to him. He seemed ok with it at first. But then it started. He began to ask me to transform into various women. Triss Merigold, Yennefer of Vengerburg, Phillipa Eilhart, Sile de Tansarville, Keira Metz, the list could go on and on."

Lambert saw red. He felt like hitting the doppler. But he controlled himself, barely. He knew what the doppler was going to say next.

"He would sleep with me in these forms. I thought it was ok. He hadn't gotten mad about the fact that I was a doppler, so it was ok. But then, one day it happened."

"What?"

"I came home, after buying supplies for the next week, and I saw him with another woman. In our bed. He moaned, and groaned and told her that he loved her. I saw red. I had grown to love him over the past year. He had cared for me as if I was his own wife! The girl saw me first, and began to stammer. He looked up, and he grinned at me. No remorse in his eyes. So I walked over to him and smacked him across the face. He fell out of her, and looked at me in shock. His expression morphed into one of rage, and he got up. He ordered the other girl to wait outside. She ran away. He stalked over to me. I got frightened. He hit me once. Then twice. Then three times, four times and five times. My cheek was bruised. He ordered me to transform into one of his favourites: The new Empress of Nilfgaard."

Lambert felt like puking. Ciri. She meant Ciri. Their little Swallow. The doppler saw his expression and gulped.

"I did. I had no choice. Then he raped me for the first time. After that day, he bought a silver sword. He used it to 'keep me in line.'" I was tortured on a daily basis, and I wasn't allowed to leave the house. He would plow other girls, right in front of my eyes. That went on for six months. Over time I worked up the courage to fight back, and I did. One night, I slipped out of my shackles. I had grown emaciated. I snuck up to his bedroom, and knocked him out. I dragged him to the cavern, and I saw the sleeping fiend. My original intent was to kill him in that cavern, but I just couldn't. He had done so much for me once. Even the torture he had given me was less than that of the Witch Hunters or Redanians. So I left him to the fiend. And never looked back. What now Witcher?"

Lambert looked at the doppler with a mix of pity and hatred. On one hand the doppler had been tortured, and raped. On the other hand, the doppler had willingly imitated Keira's form. Lambert sighed. A crossroads. However this choice wasn't hard.

"You may live doppler."

The tension left it, and it dropped its rigid stance.

"But you must leave. Before I am tempted to kill you."

The doppler nodded and made to leave. But it turned around.

"I won't forget what you've done for me Witcher. Keep Cedric's coin. You deserve it more than I."

Lambert nodded his head, and the doppler left. Lambert pulled out the beautiful looking silver sword he had obtained. Then he examined it. It was a beautiful and strong construction, but it had a dark history. He wasn't sure about it. But he would keep the weapon. His financial situation wasn't the best after all. Keira wasn't rich and neither was he. This would have to happen.

That night as he walked into his room, he was greeted by a Keira dressed only in white lingerie. She smiled at him. But that smile vanished as Lambert shook his head.

"Maybe some other day Keira. Today, I've just seen and heard too much. I just want to hold you."

She saw the pain on his face, and for the second time that day, conceded. Lambert stripped and climbed into the bed, and Keira lay in front of him, her back turned towards him. He held her, and thought of nothing, the only good thing to think about at that time.

 _Fin_

 **A/N: That got dark didn't it. Well, there will be more coming, but when? I have no clue. Next could be Letho of Gulet. Or Eskel. Or Gaetan. Or Vesemir. Essentially I will cover all of them. I wanted to do Lambert because, after Geralt he is my favourite. I'm probably not going to do Geralt, but we'll have to see.**


End file.
